i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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