I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
vagina is talking i cant
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
