I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
