I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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