I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
