whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
