Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
