I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
