the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
