All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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