so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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