dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
