Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
