I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
