Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
