they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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