what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
