when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
