First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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