it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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