Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
