You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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