EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
