I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
