I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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