Apparently you make a good broom.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
