I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
