This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You smell like stripper and shame
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
