hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize