i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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