His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
