you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
