i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
