my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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