I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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