thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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