My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
