Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
