God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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