I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
