why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
