im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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