The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
