My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
