i think i have two assholes
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
