"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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