I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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