he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
