So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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