I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
