I wish I could teleport
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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