The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
