how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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