She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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